


Lost on Us

by faded_jenes, NoHappyEnding



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Memory Loss, Minor Character Death, Mpreg, NHE Round 3, NHE2018, nhe, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-18 03:58:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17573438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faded_jenes/pseuds/faded_jenes, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding
Summary: Ten years late, Jongin fell in love, which he didn't know, for the second time.





	Lost on Us

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** 47  
>  **Prompt:** Kyungsoo had been asking Jongin to stop smoking but he never listened.  
>  **Prompter:** [notzuly](https://twitter.com/notzuly)  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Kai/D.O  
>  **Side character(s) (if any):** Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun, Oh Sehun, Lu Han, Zhang Yixing  
>  **Word count:** 11.6K  
>  **Warning(s):** Character Death, Mpreg  
>  **Author's note:**
> 
> I don't know where I mustered up the courage to join this fest but I'm glad I did. This fic means so much to me. It has taken a couple of my first times. From joining a fic fest to hitting my first 10,000-word count. When I saw the prompt, I knew I had to write this. To the prompter, I'm sorry in advance if this was not what you were going for but I hope you would enjoy and treasure this as much as I do.
> 
> This work is hugely inspired by the movie Don't Forget Me 2016. Do check it out after, hopefully, it would answer some of your doubts, but if you have any personal questions, feel free to ask me after the reveals.
> 
> Lastly, to the mods, thank you for guiding a lost sheep like me along from the start. I truly appreciate your help.
> 
> Without further ado, let the angst begin!
> 
> Songs featured in this fic are (in order):  
> There's No Way by Lauv ft Julia Michaels  
> Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish  
> Get You by Daniel Caesar  
> Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato  
> I Get To Love You by Ruelle  
> Bracelet by Lauv  
> The THEME Song for this:  
> I'm Not Here by Me + T (an OST from I'm Not Here)
> 
> Hi! Now that reveals are over, I am cross-posting on AFF:)

* * *

 

 

_Spring 2016_

 

He pulls a roll out of the pack with his teeth. The filtered end chucked in between tastes bitter and foreign, given the fact that he hasn’t smoked a blunt in a month or two. He feels his pocket for his trusty old Zippo, hooking his fingers into the dip at the side of his pants and pulling out the lighter. He fumbles with the spark wheel, clicking his tongue halfway when the pad of his thumb slipped off with a miss, just as the door of the carriage slides open.

He hears footsteps rounding into the booth he is in. He fiddles with the lighter again, busy to look up when he is greeted with a sight of classic Vans. The weight of the stranger sinks into the seat opposite him, followed by a soft grunt.

“Do you mind if I open the window?”

Jongin perks his head up. The owner of the voice, a man, dressed thinly in a denim jacket, sits before him. Jongin drinks in the sight of the stranger. The other has a crown of silk black, a stark contrast to his own bleached undercut. His eyes are round and rimmed with dark lashes. Jongin wonders if they are searching deep into his soul. Lodging the spark wheel in place this time with a successful click, Jongin brings out the stick to the spark and exhales.

“Go ahead,” Jongin speaks through the miasma. Wind and smoke don’t go well but it’s not much of a deal for him. Curious, Jongin finds himself staring. The jacket is way too big on the stranger. It swallows up his small frame except for a soft swell of the belly which is tucked underneath a thermal shirt, peeking from the opening of the jacket. _Oh._ Jongin’s eyes flit across to the stranger who now has his head propped up against the window frame, letting the wind of early spring caress his cheeks.

He kills off the smoke. Sliding his side of the window open, Jongin tosses the dying cigarette out onto the fleeting expanse of railway tracks. “Thank you.” The dark-haired male turns to him. A smile sits on his lips. Jongin catches the faint outline of a heart and wonders how they would look in full. The cabin now somehow smells of roses, Jongin notices. “No worries,” The blonde clears his throat before he fishes out his phone from the pockets.

“The cigarette,” The stranger speaks again, “Smoking is bad for your health.” Jongin raises a brow over the screen of his phone. “It’s not my place to say,” The ravenette mutters softly, “But I just want you to know.” Those big brown eyes implore Jongin’s soul. The blonde doesn’t let the advice get to him though he considers throwing out the few rolls left in his bag. The brand tastes shitty anyway.

“How far along are you?”

“Ah…” The stranger curled his arms around the curve of his stomach. “I’m eighteen weeks along.” He then pulls his jacket closer to keep warm. “Are you heading straight to Busan?” The man asks. Jongin realises it’s an exchange, that they are heading into a conversation.

“I guess you too?” Jongin asks back. The dark-haired male shakes his head. “I’m stopping at Dongdaegu and then switching over to Ulsan.”

“Visiting your relatives?”

“No, I’ve got a teaching job. What about you?”

“My firm opened a branch two weeks back.”

“I see.” The smaller male dips his head into a gentle nod. “Retrouvailles,” Words escape his lips in a whisper, “The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.”

“Did you say something?” Jongin looks up from his inbox of emails.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” The stranger shrugs him off and proceeds to slide the windows closed.

Silence soon falls over the two of them. Outside, the train speeds through the dark tunnels that run out of Daejeon. The city is left behind in a blurring mosaic of glass and concrete. It is only down to the last mail left on unread then it dawns on Jongin that they haven’t asked each other for names.

 

_You touch me and it’s almost like we knew_

_That there will be history between us two_

 

* * *

 

_Eight months prior_

 

_Help, I lost myself again_

_But I remember you_

 

It was late into the night. The rain splattered on the sidewalk. A cold gust surged through the glass door pulled open, ushering in a stranger soaked from head to toes. The ceiling lights flickered upon the man’s entrance as if they had detected a bad omen. A small electric heater whirred in its wake at the reception corner, keeping a dozing policeman company.

A knock rapped on the counter.

“Welcome to Yongsan Police Station.” The officer jolted awake. “How may I help you?”

“I would like to file a missing person’s report.” There was a tinge of hesitance in the man's voice.

“Of course, sir, please tell me the sex, age and physical description of the missing person.”

The stranger in suit grew quiet for a while. He appeared to be thinking, recalling. The man turned back to the windows behind him. He saw himself in them. “Male. Height’s a little over 180cm. Hair is slightly long, honey brown in colour.”

“May I know your relations to the missing person?”

“It’s me,” The man spoke, slow yet sure, “I’m reporting myself missing.”

The officer stared at him in disbelief. Feeling self conscious, the man averted his eyes away. He was brought to the bench where a drunkard was half sprawled over. A cup of hot tea was handed to him. “Wait here while we search up your data. Maybe we’ll find a guardian's name there.”

The rain continued.

An hour later, the glass doors swung open. It was another man. He tore a plastic wrap off from the rack at the entrance and chucked the umbrella in expertly. The newcomer stood there, body unmoving but his eyes were searching frantically across the waiting area, looking over the station booths.

“Kim Jongin?” He called out.

A head perked up from an emptied Styrofoam cup. The brunette got up from the bench, careful not to trip over the legs of the drunkard next to him. “Do you know me?”

Dark brown eyes travelled from his half-wet hair down to his bare feet peeking from the dress shoes. A nod was all of a warning the shorter man gave before the man in the suit was tackled into a bone-crushing hug.

Fresh tears seeped into his shirt. Jongin rested his palms against the small of the other male’s back. He could feel the sobs wrecking through the petite body of the stranger. The black-haired man pulled away soon after. His eyes were glassy and swollen. Jongin felt the urge to brush those tears away with his thumb.

“Jongin,” He called out to the taller man again, “Kim Jongin. You were born January 14th. Suncheon, South Korea. You moved to Yongsan, Seoul in third grade. And you graduated from Yonsei with Law.” The dark-haired male recited. His eyes never left the brunette’s face. “But most of all, you hate it when I tell you not to smoke.” He sounded tired as if he had done this many time before. “Do you remember now?” His fingers were on Jongin’s face, caressing the side of his jaw.

The taller man could only stare blankly.

“It’s okay if you don’t.” The dark-haired male smiled through his tears, “I’ll tell you again every day.”

 

~

 

They said he got into a car accident. He was hospitalised for ten months. Trauma to his head, a blow that didn’t hurt when the bandage came apart but his memories were gone. Wiped out. Having lost ten years of his memories, Jongin taught himself to live on. He trained himself to get back to his normal life though the voids in his head left a hole in his heart as well.

Things seemed fine at first. A stash of half-emptied Marlboros handed back to him on the day of discharge didn’t feel like a stranger. Oddly, cars were difficult. A week ago, he recounted standing in front of a red Rapid, staring at the passengers getting on and off, with the driver reaching out to him with a “Are you getting on?” He just couldn’t bring himself to set foot on the bus.

Commuting was not easy but Jongin didn’t have to worry too much. Everyone in Seoul was trying to go green anyway. His new bike didn’t stick out like a sore thumb as he thought it would be.

He had his lock changed. Jongin could barely remember his address scribbled on a piece of paper chucked into his hands, much less his security code. They gave him the good old keys. His apartment greeted him a stranger. It didn’t feel home to be home. Jongin felt lost and displaced.

The mirror in his bathroom scared him. There were scars across his shoulders, running down to his back. He found more on his wrists. He wondered what kind of life he led before. Only time would tell. One thing he figured out—he was probably someone with a complicated past, someone who fucked up enough to end himself.

“Kim Jongin!”

Midway through ironing a dress shirt dried on the rack, knocks rang on his door.

“You home?”

“Kim Jongin! Are you in?”

A man slightly taller than him barged in through the front door. His lanky frame crouched in the doorway, taking a minute to free himself of his Oxfords. The guest left his calf executives on, ones with black with yellow stripes. Jongin pegged them as tacky in his head before his own ass figured out he hated wearing socks.

“Your hair is long as fuck.” The man then, now Chanyeol, said as soon as he greeted Jongin. “What do you think about a new haircut? Let’s bleach it.” He ruffled the brunette’s locks before navigating the house like an experienced guide.

“Did you eat?” A slice of toast was shoved into his mouth. “Here, take this.” Chanyeol handed him a suit. Jongin wrinkled his nose when he saw the expensive tag. It was a typical corporate dress code. But he wasn’t given time to choose. The other spun him around to put on the suit jacket before he was pushed out of his house with a tie half done around his neck.

“Where are we going?” Jongin struggled with a briefcase and a stack of files in his arms. “We’re off to work. At S.K.L.Y. law firm. ” Chanyeol replied curtly, “You and I are lawyers, firm lawyers.”

“I took the bar exams?” Jongin gawked. “I thought I was going to quit law school to work.”

“Well you didn’t,” Chanyeol dusted the crumbs off the brunette’s mouth with a tissue. “Why? Having doubts graduating top ten per cent of your cohort nine years ago?” Jongin blinked his eyes. He would’ve slapped himself awake if he had a free hand. “Am I a contract lawyer? What about our bosses?” Chanyeol raised a brow at him. Jongin cleared his throat. “I mean my boss.”

“You are your own boss.” They reached the end of the corridor, down to the lift. “The four of us—Oh Sehun, Kim Jongin, Zhang Yixing and me, Park Chanyeol—are firm partners.”

The elevator opened with a ding. A man in glasses alighted. Jongin knocked into him, or at least that was what he thought. The other male beat Jongin to an apology before stalking off quickly. Jongin chased the sight of the stranger in front of a unit where a pile of moved goods lay _. Ah, he was the new neighbour next door._

“These are yours.” Keys to an Audi A5 landed onto his palms.

“I don’t drive.”  The man looked at him as if he had gone bonkers. “You don’t? Are you for real?”

Tapping his chin, Chanyeol thoughtfully offered him a ride in his Mercedes.

“I can’t.” Jongin deadpanned. “I just don’t do cars.”

“Then how?” The man scratched his head.

“Bike,” Jongin tried not to laugh at himself, “I cycle.”

 

~

 

_Go slowly. Ask the right questions._

“Have we met before?” It was Thursday, more of a take-out-the-trash day. Jongin handled his trash bag with the tip of his fingers, careful not to make any contact with the garbage bin. A pair of Vans stopped beside him to empty out the paper waste. The man was quiet but Jongin waited. “We met at the elevator.”

“No, I think we’ve seen each other way before.”

“Not that I’m aware of.” The shorter man moved over to the recycling corner. “Excuse me.”

He didn’t like talking too much, Jongin observed. The neighbour busied himself, sorting out the aluminium pop tabs and plastic wrappers. “I see,” The lawyer fished out a cigarette from his pockets before turning around to leave. “Have a nice day.”

 

~

 

_Two weeks ago_

 

“Do Kyungsoo.”

“Patient number 193, please come and collect your medicine.”

A stranger was looking at him crying.

Jongin flipped the pages of the Seoul Times and checked if there were any obituaries printed at the back page. There was none.

The man was still crying.

Jongin felt uncomfortable. He didn’t particularly enjoy seeing someone crying right in front of him. Jongin shifted to his right.

The man’s eyes followed him. Jongin stilled.

“Do I know you?”

Just like that, the pair of deep brown eyes blinked away fast. This time, Jongin was the one who chased.

“Do you know me?”

The tears on the other man’s face stopped.

“Do Kyungsoo? Is patient number 193, Do Kyungsoo, here?”

The smaller man dried his face with his sleeves. Jongin watched him rummage through his duffel to draw out a pair of a retro wayfarer. The man quickly zipped back his bag after he had put the shades on, getting up to leave when the system called out the name again.

Jongin’s eyes followed him to the counter. The man walked over in hasty steps. He almost tripped over the cleaning sign board. Jongin then saw him receive a small medication bag over the counter. When the smaller male turned back, Jongin was quick to retract his gaze.

The lawyer retrieved the newspaper, only to find a red scarf stranded on the exact spot the man had sat earlier. He found himself reaching for it. The scent of roses lingered on the knitted wool. Jongin sought for the man in the vicinity but he was no longer there.

“Calling for Kim Jongin, number 196, please report to Dr Jung’s office.”

Jongin decided to collect the scarf as a safe keep.

 

~

 

The bell rang this time.

Jongin left the lid half covered atop the boiling pot. He didn’t expect anyone that evening but it could be Chanyeol again. Getting the door, it gave way to reveal his next door neighbour. The male was clad in a huge sweater which ate up his tiny frame. The lawyer’s heart skipped a beat at the sight.

“Hey, do you need something?” Jongin opened the door wider.

“I’m not here for that.” The shorter male shook his head. He then proceeded to bring out a container and hand it over to the lawyer. “I know this is quite late, counting since I’ve moved in a few days ago, but I just want to give them to you.” That was the longest sentence the lawyer had ever heard the man say.

“Thank you.” The brunette smiled in acknowledgement. “Do you want to come in?”

Jongin saw the surprise in the other’s eyes when he asked. “We can eat the rice cakes together—”

“I think your stew is burning.” With that, his neighbour scrambled past the door and made a beeline for the kitchen. “Can you grab me some tissues?” Jongin watched dumbly as the man turned the stove off and ladled some soup over before more continued to spill.

“Hand me the tissues please.”

“Oh, right.” Jongin quickly tore some off the roll before heading over. “Sorry about this.”

“Do Kyungsoo.” The man glanced up from the sink. “And I do believe you have something of mine.” He gestured to the red scarf hanging off the clothes rack in the living room. “See, I was right. We did meet before,” The lawyer said smugly, extending a hand. “Kim Jongin.”

Then a neighbour, now Kyungsoo, shook his hand briefly. “Do you mind if I use your bathroom for a while?” The shorter man asked as he bunched up the hem of his sweater with a frown. Jongin spotted a few stains. He felt guilty. “I don’t. Meanwhile, I’ll get you something to change out.”

Jongin realised the man is really tiny. The lawyer had scoured his closet all over to find a decent fitting pair of pants along with a shirt, one which was smaller than his usual ones, for the man to wear. Yet his clothes still draped loose and big over the other male’s frame. “Thank you.” Kyungsoo folded up the hanging sleeves. “You don’t have to.”

“Thank _you_ instead for saving my dinner.” Jongin chuckled sheepishly. “It would’ve been a disaster if not for you.” He prayed the other male hadn’t caught on his miserable attempt to invite him to stay for dinner.

“Do you mind helping me with the plating?” His neighbour went back to the kitchen. The lawyer was mildly surprised at Kyungsoo's words. He didn't expect the smaller male to stay for dinner. “I-I don’t.” He found himself stuttering. “Jongin, pass me a bowl please.” The smaller male instructed from the stove. Snapping out of his trance, the lawyer rushed over to pull out some dining ware from the cabinets.

“Did you fix the stew?” Jongin questioned over his second bowl of rice. “This tastes way too good.” He glanced up to see Kyungsoo quietly chewing on his rice. “Kind of,” The man admitted shyly a second later, “I just threw in some leftover chicken stock from your fridge.”

“Ah, that’s the secret ingredient,” Jongin’s eyes lit up, “Or you’re purely a cooking genius.”

 

~

 

“Thank you for the meal,” Kyungsoo untangled the scarf from the rack. “I’ll return your clothes as soon as I can.” When the smaller man looked up to meet Jongin in the eyes, his lips curled up just a little. The lawyer stood flustered, searching for the right words. “Take your time. Actually, you can keep them. Those don’t fit me anymore.”

He walked Kyungsoo out of the door. Questions sat unanswered on Jongin’s mind as he watched the smaller male retreat to his humble abode. There were just a few things that didn’t add up. The day Kyungsoo cried at the clinic. The way Kyungsoo knew where the bathroom was. Jongin brooded over his third stick of Marlboros for the day. In the end, he decided it was better to leave things as they were. Kyungsoo must have his reasons.

 

~

 

 _It was a dark tunnel. The exit_ — _Jongin wasn’t sure where it would end. The lights stood at the edge, blinding. A hand pulled him close. They were running. Jongin caught the scent of strawberries, of the ones fresh out in the fields, somewhere between the wisps of dark hair._

_It was less of a recurring dream, more of a distant memory._

“What did you say again?”

“God, Jongin. I’m well informed you’ve got retrograde amnesia but do you seriously not remember what I’ve said…” Sehun tapped his watch with a click of a tongue. “Five seconds ago?”

“Sorry about that.” Jongin patted the younger man on the shoulder. His eyes never left the figure exiting the courtroom. “Do you know who he is?” Jongin pointed to a man in a brown pea coat, one who was juggling between a laptop and a stack of documents, now retreating through the doors. The stranger seemed oddly familiar.

Sehun didn’t answer. He was clearly upset at Jongin’s lack of engagement earlier. When he did, the man was gone. “He should be some paralegal.” The younger man didn’t bother to look up from his phone. “Back to the important stuff, what should we grab for lunch? How about some ox bone soup? Maybe some sausage stew?” Jongin resigned asking.

 

~

 

The wheels skidded to a halt. Jongin glanced at his watch. It was half past six in the evening. Work ended early after the drawing of an affidavit with a conglomerate. He settled on getting some grocery, having parked his bike outside the mart a few blocks down his apartment.

“You should wait for another batch.” A voice came from his left. Jongin didn’t expect to bump into his neighbour that soon. “Hey Kyungsoo,” He gave the smaller male a little nod before placing the box of strawberries back on the shelves.

“Fruits are the freshest at the market.” The shorter man pushed his cart up to him. “I could help you grab some tomorrow morning.” Despite his usually stoic face, Jongin could sense the kindness in Kyungsoo's words. “It’s okay,” The lawyer waved the other man off politely. “I don’t want to trouble you again.”

They checked out after each other. Jongin ended opting for some dairy selection—a carton of milk and packaged yoghurt at half price. Kyungsoo followed with some vegetables and meat, with an addition of his preferred brand of soybean paste as a last minute decision. Jongin waited at the exit, helping the shorter male return his cart.

“Do you need a ride?” Kyungsoo unlocked his Hyundai open and proceeded to ask Jongin from the driver’s window.

“I’m good.” Jongin declined. He wasn’t comfortable with cars yet.

The two met back at the elevator. Jongin guessed the other male took a detour. There was no way Kyungsoo wouldn’t have reached before him. “Are you free later on?” Jongin knew that was stupid of him to ask. “Sorry?” Kyungsoo blinked. “I just want to treat you to dinner. I owe you one.” The lawyer found it nerve-racking to gauge the smaller male’s reaction.

“Ah,” The ravenette turned to him. “I guess so.” There was a lapse of silence between them. “Great!” Jongin tapped his feet nervously. “Do you mind meeting me back at the lobby? I know a good grill place nearby. We could walk there together.”

Jongin quickly changed out of his suit and layered a scarf above his jacket. Kyungsoo was waiting by the lift as they promised. The man traded his coat for a light sweater and a bomber. “I hope I didn’t ruin your dinner plans.” Jongin apologised on the way. “It is fine.” The ravenette brushed his hair away from his eyes. “The recipe could wait.”

Though he lost ten years worth of memory, Jongin was still well acquainted with the restaurant. He couldn’t quite place names on the servers but he recognised the owner’s face. “Mr Kim!” Old man Lee ushered them towards which Jongin presumed was his usual seat.

“And look who’s with him!” The owner grinned at Kyungsoo as though he was an old friend he hadn’t met in years. “The last time I saw both of you was…” The wrinkled man counted his fingers. “Eight, nine months...was it over a year ago? Where is Taeoh by the way? Did you guys set up another babysitter again?” Jongin looked over to Kyungsoo with a puzzled look. The shorter male’s face was unreadable.

“You’ve misunderstood,” Kyungsoo firmly stated, fist clenching the hem of his sweater. “I’ve never been here before, Mister.” Old man Lee was taken aback. Other customers turned to them. The owner grew flustered. Jongin felt bad for him. “But aren’t you Kim Kyun—”

“Boss, the kitchen has run out of sauce. Should I run down to the mart?”

“I see. I must have gotten the wrong person.” The old man excused himself. “Well then, enjoy your meal!” Kyungsoo offered a light bow to the owner before rounding up into the booth they were taken to.

“Aren’t you sitting?” Jongin snapped out of his trance. “Oh,” He replied, still a little distracted by his thoughts. “Sorry about that. I think he mistook you for one of my friends or something.” Jongin scratched his nape while he received the towel passed to him. “To tell you the truth, I got into an accident several months ago. I’m afraid my memories are somewhat displaced. I can’t remember the people around me.”

The two ordered a set of Samgyupsal, along with Jongin’s recommendation of braised spicy monkfish. “Let me get that for you.” The ravenette intercepted the tongs from the lawyer’s hands, expertly flipping the meat on the grill. “I hope you don’t mind me asking. What kind of accident were you in?”

“It was a car accident.” Jongin plated the wrap in his hands. “Everything is vague. It’s hard when you don’t remember where you were ten years ago.” The lawyer accepted the meat on the lettuce, along with a dab of kimchi fetched on chopsticks. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Kyungsoo faintly smiled back and told him to eat up. They had a couple shots of soju. Jongin wasn’t quite a drinker, growing a little light-headed on his fifth glass. Kyungsoo emptied the bottom half in the bottle. Though soberer, his cheeks were red by then.

“I’ve so many things to ask you.” The lawyer leaned over the table. His words came out in a slur. “And I’ve got so much to say…” Kyungsoo wound in, his breath fanning across the brunette’s cheeks. “Your eyes,” The words escaped Jongin in a whisper, “I know them somewhere.”

 

~

 

He was drunk. They were drunk.

“Kim Jongin!”

He was walking. Then he was running, tripping.

“Put that thing back!”

A fit of giggles echoed behind him.

“Why are you running away with that?”

Jongin looked down at the roadside sign in his arms. He peered over his shoulders. The smaller male was catching up to him in short yet fast strides. Kyungsoo beckoned him over, a grin spread wide on his face. Jongin thought he looked out of the world, with his head thrown back in fond laughter, hands clutching his stomach. Kyungsoo looked beautiful.

“Catch me if you can!” The lawyer challenged.

That night, the two strangers ended up in each other’s arms.

 

~

 

Jongin woke up to the smell of roses.

He drew his eyes open, only to greet a head of black tucked under his chin.

“Go back to sleep.” The warmth nuzzled further into his bare chest. Jongin rubbed his temples. He caught on two things that morning—a headache, and Kyungsoo.  

The lawyer stirred up from the covers. Kyungsoo chased him, his face now buried in the crook of Jongin’s neck. “Bet you don’t remember,” The male grumbled as his eyes slowly peeked open, “I hate sweating but last night, you made me chase after you and that silly road sign.”

Jongin watched as the ravenette sit up. The blanket slid down to his small waist. Marks of purple and red blossomed across the expanse of his neck. Jongin might have caught a few more between those honey thighs. “You really don’t remember?” Strands of black hair fell over the other male’s eyes.

“I…” The lawyer swallowed, “I do remember.”

A soft grunt escaped Kyungsoo’s throat. “Liar…”

Chuckling, he leaned up to peck Jongin on his lips.

“It’s not a big deal if you can’t remember last night,” Kyungsoo carded his fingers through Jongin’s honey brown locks, “When we’ve got plenty of days ahead of us.”

 

~

 

Perhaps, Jongin mused over nicotine between his fingers, it was best he didn’t remember.

“You smell of cigarettes.” Kyungsoo wrinkled his nose on their weekend date. He kissed the younger man’s lips nonetheless. Jongin’s hands found their way to the older male’s hips. They fit so well. “Do you not like me smoking?”

“What if I say yes?” Kyungsoo pursed his lips. “Would you listen?”

Jongin thought actions spoke best. He tossed the half-exhaled stick into the bin right in front of Kyungsoo. But the lawyer later bargained that Kyungsoo should buy him gum for exchange.

They embarked on frequent dates that month. Kyungsoo planned three out of seven, leaving Jongin with four. Some ended with the sun melting ice cream onto their fingers. Some found them in cinemas watching sappy romance films. The last one Jongin had to cancel because of the pouring rain. Both decided to stay in at the lawyer’s apartment. Kyungsoo made them his signature soybean paste stew. Jongin found him asking for a third serving.

“You have a vinyl?” Kyungsoo blew the dust off the old record player. Jongin snaked his arms around the smaller man from behind. He then rested his chin atop the other male’s shoulder. “I guess? There must be LPs somewhere.” At the mention of the old records, Kyungsoo was up on his feet. Jongin trailed after him like a lost puppy. They made it past the storage. Kyungsoo stopped at one of the rooms. “Is this one of your guest rooms?”

“Not that I could remember.” Jongin eyed the flimsy lock. “I haven’t really opened it up.” The smaller man reached out to give the knob a little twist. The bolt dislodged and fell off onto the floor. “Should clean it up someday…” Kyungsoo dusted his hands off the front of the shirt.

“You sound like you live here.” The lawyer nudged the ravenette lightly on his shoulders. “And that’s my Monday Armani white you’re wearing.” Kyungsoo tugged down on the hem of the crisp white shirt and watched the fabric bounce back to his mid thighs. “I do live here,” The older grinned, “I mean most of my stuff is at your place. And your shirts feel nice and expensive.”

“Then you should move in with me.”

“Is that a proposal?”

“Maybe…”

 

~

 

Jongin nosed the tip of the black crown. Roses, he felt like he was holding an armful of red roses.

He shifted Kyungsoo in his arms. The two of them were pressed against each other. Jongin wound the older’s hands around his neck. His own circled around the other’s lithe waist. They were, well, supposedly waltzing.

“You’re heavy,” He kissed those dark locks. “Asshole,” Kyungsoo huffed. He proceeded to nip the side of the younger man’s neck as a payback. Laughter bubbled in Jongin’s chest as he leaned down to pepper more kisses on the older male’s face.

“Through droughts and famine…”

The LP spun on the records. Daniel Caesar crooned softly.

 

_Natural disasters,_

_My baby has been around for me._

_Kingdoms have fallen,_

_Angels be calling._

_None of them could ever make me leave_

 

“Every time I look into your eyes I see it,” The smaller male hummed along, “This is one of my favourites.”

_You’re all I need_

Kyungsoo tipped on his toes, leaning up to place a kiss on the side of Jongin’s jaw.

_Every time I get a bit inside I see it_

The lawyer chased after those plump lips, only to have the smaller male pull away with a chuckle.

_Oh, who would've thought I'd get you_

“Jongin…” Kyungsoo rested his head against the younger man's beating heart. “Make love to me.”

 

~

 

Teeth nipped at his inner thighs. Calloused hands coaxed his legs apart. Kyungsoo raked his fingers through the younger man’s cinnamon locks. His hold tightened when Jongin dipped his head down to delve his tongue into his twitching hole.

It had been a long time. To be eaten out like this. Jongin’s tongue prodded his walls, probing the tightening rim of muscles. The lawyer sucked hard on his slicked pucker. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but mewl at the odd sensation pooling in his stomach. He tugged Jongin’s hair harder, trying to thrust up against the brunette’s face.

Kyungsoo cried out as he came unexpectedly. Jongin reached up to engulf Kyungsoo’s softening cock, milking Kyungsoo out. His index slipped in again, knowing they had just started.

He added another, now two, scissoring and stretching Kyungsoo out. By the third finger, Kyungsoo had his back arched up, heels digging into the silk sheets. Jongin thrust his digits up harder. The older male’s hips buckled when Jongin’s fingers breached his prostate, fucking him right on.

“H-Hurry,” Kyungsoo felt his cock hardening again. Jongin was being such a tease but he ain’t going to come another time just by being fingered open. “Ngh…” Kyungsoo was begging, toes curling in pleasure when fingers thrust against his sweet spot again and again. He then heard the tearing of a wrapper. Jongin was up and back on his knees, ripping a condom open with his teeth.

“Don’t,” Kyungsoo whined when the younger man’s fingers withdrew. He pried the condom off the lawyer’s hands. Jongin stared right back at him with his dark and lustful eyes, waiting. “Just fuck me like that,” Kyungsoo decided, “I want to feel you.”

Hands soon pinned the ravenette down by his hips. A low guttural moan escaped Jongin as he entered Kyungsoo slowly. His eyes were observing the older man carefully. The thick girth of the lawyer’s cock was quite a stretch for Kyungsoo. The ravenette breathed out slowly and he adjusted himself.

“Move,” Kyungsoo keened when Jongin tipped out only to thrust in harder. His thighs circled around Jongin’s built torso, drawing the younger man in. Kyungsoo's own cock was curled up between their stomachs, bouncing lightly when Jongin pounded into him again and again.

Heaving, Jongin picked up his rhythm, rocking their bodies closer. Kyungsoo’s eyes rolled to the back of his head when the younger’s cock navigated his prostate, nudging the bundle of joy there.

Approaching their high, Jongin’s lips found his own. Kyungsoo gasped as the lawyer’s teeth bit down on his bottom lip. Jongin was quick to slip his tongue inside. The younger man sucked hard on the warm cavern while his hips snapped forward, ramming deeper into Kyungsoo.

An overdue moan was ripped from the older male’s throat. Kyungsoo had his head thrown back, hair spilling onto the pillows and nails digging lines down the lawyer’s broad back, as Jongin rolled forward with a final snap of his hips.

It wasn’t long both came undone under the covers. The scent of roses lingered on those spent sheets.

 

_And when we're making love_

_Your cries they can be heard from far and wide_

_It's only the two of us_

_Everything I need's between those thighs_

_Every time I look into your eyes I see it_

_You're all I need_

 

Morning came too quickly. Naked under the covers, the two basked in the sunlight. Jongin kissed the rose laid upon his chest. Kyungsoo sighed in content at the sight of their joined hands, digits curled around one another. Under the streaks of sunlight, Jongin caught a ring mark on Kyungsoo’s finger.

He thumbed the fading mark. Kyungsoo’s hands stiffened. “I won’t ask if you aren’t ready to tell.” Jongin murmured into the silky dark locks. Slowly, Kyungsoo relaxed back into his arms, lips finding purchase in the younger man’s ones.

It irked Jongin a bit to learn that Kyungsoo belonged to someone else before him.

The rose was already tainted.

 

~

 

It was a lazy afternoon break in the pantry. The brunette was quietly making his coffee when the rest of the partners barged in. Sehun scanned him from head to toe. His eyes glinted with mischief and Jongin knew he wasn't going to like whatever that was coming next.

“Man, you're glowing.” Sehun slapped the brunette across his shoulders. “Could you be pregnant?”

“It’s probably some girl.”

“Zhang, that joke is old. We all know he swings the other way.”

“So who is the unlucky guy?”

“Fuck off,” Jongin swatted Sehun's grabby hands away from his drink.

“You obviously got laid.”

“I would say a couple of times. Found the one, eh?”

Chanyeol threw him a knowing look. Jongin averted his eyes from his prying colleagues, itching to make himself scarce. With a red face, the brunette made a dash for the door, not expecting a head-on collision with someone. Luckily, Jongin was careful enough not to spill his coffee on whoever it was.

“Sorry about that, Mr Kim," A mellow voice spoke up.

Jongin caught a whiff of strawberries. He glanced up immediately. The man—it was him.

The smaller man fixed his coat and apologised once more. He quickly excused himself before Jongin could say a thing.

“Who's that?” The lawyer opted to ask Chanyeol who caught up behind him. “Oh, you mean Luhan? He’s a paralegal interning for Minseok.”

His name was Luhan.

Jongin was sure it was him.

_“Senior,” The younger turned back to Jongin, “Hurry, we're going to be late!” Their footsteps echoed through the tunnel which soon morphed into a long corridor._

_“Luhan, wait!” A hand tugged harder on his sleeves. Jongin lurched forward with a chuckle. The scent of strawberries rained in the air. The ginger head grinned back, leading them closer and closer to the lights._

 

~

 

“Joonmyun,” The lawyer called over the desk, “Do you mind keeping some tabs on him?” Jongin slid the photo over.

“Isn't he Lawyer Oh's old flame?” The private investigator raised a brow. “They have this on and off thing with each other.” Jongin masked his surprise. “You're telling me Luhan and Sehun are together?”

“Well, in the last five years, yes.”

“Have I met him before?”

“You mean Luhan? You could have since you two were from the same course back in university.”

“Do you mind finding out where he lives now? Luhan, I mean. I don’t think Sehun and him live together anymore.”

“Sure thing,” The older kept the photo away. “I will update you as soon as I can.”

 

~

 

_Three weeks later_

 

“Good evening, sir—oh, a pleasure to have you back here again, Mr Kim.”

Jongin turned to the sales assistant. “Do you know me?”

“Of course,” The woman at the counter beamed, “You were here exactly five years ago.”

“Is that so?” Jongin scratched the back of his nape. He could pretend to remember. The answers might come to him that way.

“Let me guess,” The sales assistant leaned over the counter, “You're here for your anniversary?” She fumbled with her pockets, drawing out a key. “I might still have the ring size with me. See if it still fits your husband.”

“Did you say _husband_?”

“The very one you came searching the perfect ring for five years ago. I asked if you had a pretty lady but you told me off saying it's a ‘he’. And that he's the most gorgeous thing you have ever seen.”

“Did I tell you his name?”

“Not that I recall…” The lady proceeded to the back of the store. “Wait here for me. I'm going to find that piece of paper with the ring size.”

Jongin nodded slowly, the train of thoughts running through his mind.

“Ah, found it! It's a 5.5.”

The sales assistant walked over to Jongin and handed him a piece of folded paper that unmistakably had his own writing.

“I hope it still fits.” The woman returned to the counter. “Now, would you like something simpler or do you still want that intricate diamond detailing like last time?”

Jongin didn't say anything. His eyes shifted between the ring size on the paper and the one he noted down in his phone a few days ago.

They matched.

 

~

 

“About what you asked for,” Joonmyun dropped by Jongin’s office on Tuesday with a memo. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.”

“You should've asked Minseok. The man has way more free time than me.”

“I would keep in mind next time.”

Jongin walked away with the post-it in his hands. There were many questions on his mind. He thirsted for answers. The need to feed his curiosity gnawed at his heart. He knew he should move on but forgetting was hard when things were left in the dark.

 

~

 

“What are you doing to me?” Kyungsoo frowned at the pinkette who playfully wrapped a ribbon around his stomach. He poked the older male at his sides but Baekhyun stood stubborn, getting the piece of lilac under his arms. “Stay still. Best surprises come in the form of presents.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don't act dumb.” Baekhyun finished his silly knot with a tiny bow. “There's another mini of you two on the way now.” The barista bent down to pat Kyungsoo on his belly and cooed. “Wonder if it's going to be a girl this time.”

“Stop it, Baek.” Kyungsoo glared at his friend. “You know how I feel about this.”

They heard a bike pull over outside. There came a series of barks, followed by a yelp. The poodle had sprung out of its playhouse, now jumping up and down beside the tall cyclist. The pup wagged its tail excitedly like it was greeted by its beloved owner.

“Monggu, stay down!”

Kyungsoo chased the dog away from a frightened Jongin.

“Sorry about that. Are you alright?”

“You never told me you had a dog.”

“Well, now you do. Besides, you only asked for my birthday, my bakery...” Kyungsoo shot the lawyer a wink, “And my ring size.”

Jongin pouted and the older man seized the chance to press a chaste kiss on those puckered lips.

Baekhyun made a non-committal sound of gagging from behind.

The two went back home on Jongin's bike. They looked silly with the safety helmets but Jongin insisted for the sake of their safety.

“What’s that thing around your waist?” Jongin asked from the doorway.

“Oh, you mean this?” Kyungsoo tugged on the ribbon, “It’s a silly thing Baekhyun did.” He pulled at the knot for it to come undone but Jongin stopped him. “You look pretty, Soo.”

Pink dusted the ravenette’s cheeks. “Liar…”

“Not this time.” Jongin leaned down to kiss the smaller male sweetly. “I mean it.”

“Then what about this?” Kyungsoo took Jongin’s hands in his and slowly rested the latter’s palm against the then flat plane of his stomach. “It’s prettier, right?” The older male chewed his lips nervously, eyes shying away from seeing the look on Jongin’s face.

Seconds crawled past.

Kyungsoo waited.

A smile grew wider across the brunette’s handsome face.

Jongin figured out sure enough.

“God, Soo…” The younger man brought Kyungsoo’s palms to his lips. “I’m going to be a father!”

“Jongin put me down!” Kyungsoo shrieked in surprise, head dizzy and heart giddy when the brunette hoisted him up and spun them around. Laughter escaped the older male as he held Jongin tender by his jaw and kissed him hard. “We’re going to be parents!”

“I know proposals are supposed to be surprises,” Kyungsoo could tell where this was heading. “And I’m supposed to plan them but you’ve beaten me to it.” Jongin gently placed the older down on his feet. “I’m pretty sure I could’ve done better but the timing is too perfect to miss so...” The lawyer got down on his knees and pulled out a velvet box. “Will you marry me?”

 

~

 

“You're getting married?”

Sehun choked on his second round of soup and Jongin smirked. “Looks like I am.” Across the table, Zhang swallowed his last bite of beef in disbelief. “You are marrying again—”

“Congratulations Jongin!” Chanyeol swiftly stuffed a piece of kimchi into Yixing’s mouth. Grinning, the tall attorney gave Jongin a congratulatory pat on the shoulder while he grabbed their youngest partner some tissues.

“Thanks. I really believe I’ve found the one.” Kyungsoo's face flashed on the brunette's mind instantly. God, he was so whipped. “And you,” Jongin slung his arms around Chanyeol, “Are invited on Saturday for dinner with us.”

“Not gonna tell me who that is?”

“You’ll know by then,” Jongin teased over the rim of his soju glass.

 

~

 

Saturday came by fast.

Chanyeol was adamant on fixing Jongin’s tie before their guests arrived. “Why are you more nervous than me?” The younger lawyer chuckled when the taller man fussed over his hair. “This is a big day. It’s your big day. And you said he’s bringing a friend.” Chanyeol adjusted his cufflinks and sat upright to Jongin’s amusement. “I need to make a good impression.”

The lawyer soon spotted the two males rounding into their reservation booth.

Kyungsoo was glowing in a cream turtleneck. Jongin loved the fall trench coat on him, one which he bought for the older male in the first two weeks into their dates. A mop of pink peeked from behind. Baekhyun followed his friend in tow. He was donned in navy coat and slacks. Baekhyun sure was dressed for the occasion.

“There they are!” Jongin waved to them.

“Oh, you must be Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo extended his hand out to the giant. The taller man appeared subtly shaken but he quickly covered it up with a tight-lipped smile. “Nice to meet you Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol acknowledged. He then turned to the pinkette, “You too, Baekhyun.” Jongin raised his brow. He had yet to introduce the two men together.

“Be our witnesses for the wedding.”

“Me? You want me as your witness?” Chanyeol almost dropped his fork.

“You need to pay us then.” Baekhyun interrupted, “I’m wasting my weekend on you guys.”

“No problem,” Jongin snapped his fingers across the table, “We’ll even pay you guys by hourly rate.”

“You two are really serious about this,” Chanyeol chewed on his venison thoughtfully. His glanced at Kyungsoo who returned him a smile which didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Man, business partners shouldn’t have legal ties to each other.” The taller said resignedly. “I’m only free on Saturday.”

“Great!” The four raised their glasses together. “It’s a deal then.”

 

~

 

“Welcome to Dandanie’s Bakery—”

“You told me you were doing this for him.”

“I am. That’s why I need your blessings for us.”

“You were supposed to give him closure. You were supposed to move on.”

“Look, that’s my business. I chose him. I chose us. What’s wrong with that?”

“You’re being selfish!”

“Then let me be! When was it fair anyway? He gets to live on as nothing had happened! Why can’t I?”

“Kyungsoo…”

“Leave us be, Chanyeol! You don’t get to tell me what to do!”

 

~

 

Jongin parked his car along the streets. The neighbourhood loomed in front of him. He tapped on his watch before catching a familiar figure from the corner of his eyes. He quickly got out.

“Excuse me?”

He ran after the man.

“You know me, don’t you?”

The male stopped in his tracks. “Atty. Kim?”

“I need to ask you something.”

“If this is about the Monday court case, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

The paralegal bowed slightly before turning to leave.

“Luhan,” Jongin called out, “It’s you, isn’t it?”

The said male looked over his shoulders. Jongin caught up with him.

“I lost ten years of my memory due to a car accident and the last thing I could remember,” The lawyer explained, “Is you. I want to know how we met, where we met, everything that happened between us.”

Luhan finally looked at him in the eyes.

“What did you last remember about that you saw me in it?”

“At the end of the dark hallway,” Jongin recalled, “There was this blinding light. You were holding my hand. We were walking into the light. It was so bright but that’s where it ends. There’s nothing more after that.”

“You really don’t remember after—”

A school bus honked by the roadside. “Mama!” A small child ran towards them. Jongin stared harder. The boy with a crescent eye smile on his face is a splitting image of Oh Sehun. Smiling, Luhan beckoned the cherub over with open arms.

“Did I do something wrong to you and Sehun?” The brunette spoke up, “Is that why you guys are not together anymore?”

“You’re asking the wrong questions.”

Jongin frowned.

“If the last thing you remember is me walking ahead of you,” Luhan picked his son up into his arms, “Then shouldn’t you be asking what happened after that?”

_The light broke into a crowd. The stadium roared when the pre-match warm-ups ended and the players got ready for the game. Luhan got far in front of him, searching for their seats._

_“Han!”_

_A man, clad in a red flannel and dark jeans, climbed the stairs up to the stands. He was a good head shorter than the law student. Jongin stood there observing, enamoured by those pretty brown eyes._

_“Kyungsoo sunbae, you’re early today.”_

_“Did you get the seats I asked for?”_

_Jongin was greeted by a tiny upturn of lips._

_The three of them ended up in the back rows. Jongin found himself seated between Kyungsoo and Luhan._

_“Are you alright?” Jongin asked when he saw the ravenette fidget in his seat._

_“Oh,” Kyungsoo bent down to search for something, “I think I dropped a button.”_

_Jongin then heard the sound of a ball pitched up into the air. It was barreling towards the stands. Towards their direction. Towards Kyungsoo. The taller man stood up immediately, shielding Kyungsoo with his upper body. The ball hit against Jongin's shoulders, safely past the older male who was caught unaware._

_“Are you okay?”_

_Kyungsoo was slightly shaken but he found his lips curling up shyly._

_Jongin mirrored the older male's smile._

“His name is,” The lawyer confirmed, reading the name off Luhan’s lips, “Kyungsoo. Do Kyungsoo.”

“He was a senior in the English Literature department,” Luhan patted his son on the head gingerly. “But I lost contact with him a while back.”

_That smile. That day. That was when it all began._

 

~

 

“Jongin! Have you eaten?” Kyungsoo placed the takeaway box on the dining table. “I’ve bought some chicken for us.”

There was no reply, only the rustling sound of papers coming from the study.

“Jongin?”

Kyungsoo found the man on the floor, surrounded by scraps of notes. Red was scribbled on the cards laid out. Years were traced back and arranged in order. Events filled the blank pages. Some of them bore question marks.

“Why can’t you even look up to say hello?”

Jongin stirred up from his crouching position.

“I’m looking at you now.”

“Do you think this would help you remember?” Kyungsoo glared at the younger man. “Jongin, you promised me you would move on. You told me that you would no longer hold onto the past. That we could write a new chapter in life…”

“I just wanted to figure myself out before I do that. Can’t I?”

“Back then you acted as if the past doesn’t matter,” The older clenched his fist, “Now you’re playing Sherlock Holmes? What do you want to figure out badly? Why can’t you just leave things as they are! Why! We’re getting married for fuck sake!”

“Kyungsoo please…” Words died on Jongin’s lips as he watched the smaller man storm out of the apartment, doors slamming shut behind him.

 

~

 

“Hate to say this but Chanyeol’s right.” Baekhyun handed him a glass of water and some Advil’s. Kyungsoo stared at his friend, upset and tired. “What? Now, you’re on that bastard’s side too? Great, everyone is out to get me.”

“You should move on, Soo.”

“I am moving the fuck on.”

“That’s not moving on,” Baekhyun sighed, “That’s avoiding and ignoring. You’re running away.”

“Running away? Are you calling me a coward?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Fuck off. The only coward here is that person.”

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun squeezed the ravenette’s shoulders, heart aching at the sight of his poor friend, “Give him the closure he needs. That’s the best thing. It’s not just for him, it’s for you too.”

 

~

 

_Oh, tell me you love me_

_I need someone on days like this, I do_

_On days like this_

 

_He remembered them kissing under the street lights. Kyungsoo smelled of roses, tasted like roses in Jongin’s arms; everything about him was heaven to Jongin._

A letter sat atop his pile of cases, alongside their engagement rings. The projector in his study was left on, blinking when he stumbled into his apartment. Jongin reached for the answers.

_Dear Jongin,_

_Want me to tell you what you should remember?_

Play. Jongin pressed rewind.

_“Congratulations on your marriage!” The video started with Sehun’s arms around his shoulders. Both of them were laughing into the camcorder. “Now say goodbye to the goodness of bachelorhood!” Jongin pried Sehun’s fingers off him before they tickled the death out of him. He then shoved the younger attorney towards Luhan as a payback. Sehun ended up kissing Luhan square on his mouth. Jongin guffawed. Sehun gave him the finger._

_“Kyungsoo, you better land me that bouquet!” Baekhyun shouted amid the crowd of guests. The midget bounced on his feet. Chanyeol saw the struggle and went over to help. The lawyer hoisted Baekhyun up from the ground into his arms. “Now go get your flowers, Princess.”_

 

_One look at you_

_My whole life falls in line_

_I prayed for you_

_Before I called you mine_

 

_The blushing bride turned to him. Jongin’s breath was taken away once more. The thin veil clipped to the wisps of dark hair fluttered in the wind. At the altar, Kyungsoo looked up to him from those lashes, lips rosy and full for him to kiss, after they had recited their vows to each other._

_Giggling, Kyungsoo threw the roses into the air._

_“I got it! I fucking got it!” Baekhyun squirmed in Chanyeol’s arms as he clutched onto the bouquet._

_“One more time! One more time!” The guests chanted as they watched Jongin swoop down to claim Kyungsoo’s lips again and again._

Like a fool, Jongin grinned at himself on screen.

 

_I can’t believe it’s true, sometimes_

_I can’t believe it’s true_

 

_A sonogram was handed to him. “It’s a boy, daddy.” Kyungsoo leaned up to meet their lips in a sweet kiss. “And I have just the perfect name for him, Jongin.”_

The brunette scrolled down further to more clips.

_“Kim Taeoh,” Jongin tapped the tiny button nose gently, smiling like a proud father he was. The baby gurgled in his arms. “He’s so beautiful. Thank you, Soo.” The younger man sidled up to Kyungsoo who lay worn out yet contented on the hospital bed. The lawyer pressed a loving kiss onto his husband’s forehead._

“Taeoh. Our Taeoh.” Jongin laughed hollow at the sight of a toddler sleeping on his chest, tears brimming in his eyes.

 

_I get to love you, it’s the best thing that I’ll ever do_

_I get to love you, it’s a promise I’m making to you_

_Whatever may come; your heart I will choose_

_Forever I’m yours, forever I do_

 

_The two-year-old sucked on his thumb before picking up a dandelion to place behind his father’s ears. “Thank you for the lovely gift, Taeoh.” Kyungsoo showed the little one how to make wishes. The father and son blew the petals into the wind. A few landed on Jongin’s nose. Taeoh giggled at the silly sight of his dad._

_Tiny feet stood on top of his own big ones. Jongin held his son up by his small hands as they waddled across the grass. Kyungsoo took the camera from him, recording their family’s first walk together in the park._

_Laughter danced in the summer air._

_Home. Jongin felt belonged._

 

_They say love is a journey, I promise that I’ll never leave_

_When it’s too heavy to carry, remember this moment with me_

_I get to love you; I get to love you,_

_I get to love you_

 

The lawyer turned to the room where the flimsy lock was.

He ran towards the door and opened it. Dust twirled under the sunlight which filtered through the cracks of the window. Piles and piles of boxes laid stacked on the tiles. Jongin pushed them away, sending them toppling onto the floor, to reveal a wall where a painted space tower stood.

There were tiny handprints overlapping the stars and rockets. He caught his writing at the foot of the tower. The markings climbed up the wall, year by year until they stopped a summer ago. Jongin fell to his knees with tears in his eyes.

_The door closed behind him softly. The gift whined in his arms. Jongin hushed the pup before setting it on the floor. “Daddy! Papa says Taeoh has grown taller!” The five-year-old padded out of his room, stubby feet breaking out into a run. A series of barks greeted him. The boy welcomed a ball of brown fur licking at his face. “Say hi to your buddy, Taeoh.”_

_“You’re spoiling your son again.” Kyungsoo walked over in his apron, flour stuck to his hair. “Let’s see, what should we call him?_

_“Monggu!” Taeoh squealed, watching the pup yawn and snuggle into his chest. “Papa, let’s call him Monggu!”_

 

_~_

 

_No, you ain't nobody 'til you got somebody_

 

_When did we start falling out of place? Was it when I caught the smell of cigarettes in your car? You told me you wouldn’t smoke anymore. Was it when you tore up my teaching invitation to America? Or was it when I called you a cheater for coming home late and drunk, perfume thick on your collar? When did we start breaking promises? When did we start crossing the lines we never should?_

_When did we start losing us?_

_“What’s this?” Kyungsoo fished out a stack of half-emptied Marlboros under the car seat. “How many times have I told you not to smoke anymore? Jongin, you never listen. You never did.”_

_“It’s just this once!” The lawyer found himself raising his voice. He didn’t mean to._

_“Are you serious Jongin?” The older male snatched the cigarette away from his husband. “Don’t tell me you are going to smoke until the day you die?” Having said, Kyungsoo tossed the stick out of the car window. Jongin gritted his teeth. “Stop thinking everyone is going to end up dying of lung cancer like your brother_ — _”_

_“Kim Jongin!” A slap resounded across the brunette’s face. The car door slammed behind him._

_Taeoh settled in the back later, gushing about his day with his friends. “Papa, we did this today!” The boy shook the box of puzzle pieces excitedly. The couple sat restlessly in front, eyes turned away from each other. The tension was thick amid their son’s babbling._

_“Papa, can we stop by the cake shop?”_

_“Next time, Tae bear. Papa is not feeling well.”_

_“Just get him what he wants. I need to stop by for gas too.”_

_“You should stop interrupting me when I’m trying to teach him. He is spoiled because of you.”_

_“Great, now you’re pushing everything onto me.”_

_Kyungsoo clicked his tongue in disbelief._

_“This is why I’m leaving you. Should I fax you the divorce papers?”_

_Jongin’s grip on the steering wheel grew tighter. From the rearview, he glanced back at the five-year-old worriedly._

_“Not now, Soo. We’ll have this conversation at home.”_

_“Who says I’m going home—”_

_“Taeoh, don’t stick your head out of the windows like that.” Jongin chided his son who was seated at the back._

_Kyungsoo looked over his shoulders. “Baby bear, sit still okay?”_

_“We’re going home and talking this over,” Jongin stated firmly._

_“Drop me off at Baekhyun’s place.”_

_“I. Said. We. Are. Going. Home.”_

_“Jongin, stop with this nonsense. No one is—”_

_The traffic lights blinked red ahead. Jongin braced himself for the brakes. The car skidded to a halt. A puzzle piece escaped through the rolled-down windows._

_“What are you doing?” Kyungsoo yelled across the seat. “You could’ve gotten us killed!”_

_The car door shut closed from behind. Tiny feet ran out to chase the fallen puzzle piece. The lights turned green._

_“Taeoh, what are you doing?” Jongin undid his seat belt fast before he got out and chased after his son. “KIM TAEOH!”_

_The name barely left his mouth when a passing car struck through the father and son._

_Everything slowed to a stop. Time seemed to have arrived at a standstill._

_The boy was barreled off to the other side of the road where his small body crashed hard onto the concrete. There bathed in a pool of blood, Taeoh laid unmoving. Jongin found himself being thrown against the windshield of another oncoming car, head smashing the glass before his body bounced off, rolling down to the road with a loud thud._

_“Taeoh!” Hysterical, Kyungsoo scrambled towards their son. He cradled the boy to his chest only to learn that his little one's heart had stopped beating. Tears escaped those beautiful eyes of his. “No! Baby, please…”_

_Jongin last saw the flare of light flicker, fade and die out._

 

~

 

_You woke up in the hospital alone, my name unheard of on your lips. I stood outside, in the corridors, hope on my sleeves before I learned you lost ten years of us. While you got to live on as nothing had happened, I had to remember. When I needed you the most, you weren’t there._

_I waited for you to come around. But things never went my way. I watched you slip away. Your memories, they faded in and faded out. Every time you stumbled upon the reality, you erased yourself. I stayed by your side with every relapse in your memories. I told you your name over and over again._

_Then, I found you at Yongsan station. I thought to myself, just how long can I last like this, to keep showing you the way home, to pretend as if we had a home to go back to?_

_I resented the world. I hated those smiling faces on the streets. How could they be happy when all I ever felt was pain and despair? How could people move on so fast? I couldn’t understand why I was the only one stuck in the past._

_Until now, Taeoh slept in my arms every night. I had yet to let him go. I missed holding our boy, kissing his hair till he fell asleep._

_The first time you regained your memories, things went ugly. You blamed yourself, hurt yourself and almost killed yourself. The sight of your body bathed in blood haunts me to this very day. Have you ever thought about me? I lost my child. I can’t afford to lose my husband too._

_It was a hard decision but I thought it was the best. I kissed every single one of your scars, vowing not to tell you the truth again. I thought I could love a sinner like you._

_It hurt to pretend as if nothing had happened. To greet you like a stranger. The plan was simple. You fell in love with me then, you could again now. And you did. I thought it would be okay to move on with you. I thought I could love you again._

_But the world was never on my side. You grew curious. You wanted to open the Pandora box._

_This time, I didn’t want to see you with the truth in your eyes. I didn’t want to see the look of betrayal on your face. This time, I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to let you feel the pain by yourself. I wanted to let you go through this alone. You deserved to shoulder at least this much of the guilt._

_This time, I’ve decided to let you go._

 

~

 

“Papa is sorry, baby.” Kyungsoo kissed the tombstone with a heavy heart. He had decided to lay his son’s ashes out in the open, for his little one to see the night sky. “Daddy isn’t here today but trusts me, he loves you very much.”

Tears found their way down his cheeks. His voice broke into sobs. “I know Daddy and Papa promised you the stars but Taeoh, do you know that you are our star? The one and only shining star. We love you, always.”

Baekhyun squeezed his shoulders to comfort him. Kyungsoo's legs soon caved in as he wept his heart out. The pain of losing someone precious—it hurt so much.

_This time, I’ve decided to let us go._

 

~

 

  
A stranger was looking at him crying.  

Jongin stared back at the stack of packed boxes a few feet away. It looked like his neighbour was moving out.

The man’s eyes followed him, down to the bandage wrapped around his wrist. Jongin stilled.

“Do I know you?”

Just like that, the pair of deep brown eyes blinked away fast. This time, Jongin was the one who chased.

“Do you know me?”

The tears on the other’s face stopped. Shaking his head, the man turned away.

 

~

 

“You could leave,” Baekhyun suggested, pulling out some papers from his bag.

Kyungsoo stared at the train ticket in his hands. It felt heavy, but nothing felt heavier than the Polaroid he had placed over his chest for those past few weeks. It was a close-up shot of Jongin. The man had his hair falling over his eyes, lips kissing the sonogram of their unborn angel. Another familiar shot lay buried beneath the soil, where their little star remained.

No matter where he went, a part of Jongin stayed with him.

“What about the baby?” Kyungsoo clutched his belly protectively. He was already showing. “You would do fine,” Baekhyun squeezed his free hand, “Trust me.” A letter of recommendation was handed to the ravenette. “Give this a shot,” Baekhyun informed Kyungsoo of his transfer as a teaching assistant in Ulsan. “You deserve this much.”

“Tell me that I’m doing this right Baek,” Kyungsoo prayed through his tears, “Please.” In every moment, he felt so scared. He wanted to live happily with his little family but the universe had its own ways. It kept robbing him of his happiness. And Jongin, Jongin was a mistake he never saw it coming.

“Believe me you are.”

“Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Is it too much to ask for?”

“Kyungsoo…”

“Maybe I could pretend, maybe he’ll come around, maybe we could still be together—”

“And then he would forget again! You’re living for two now. It’s not about having a father figure or a complete family, Kyungsoo. Your child would do fine, if not much better with you. You’re more than enough.” Baekhyun had always been fairly persuasive with his words. “If something happened and Jongin doesn’t make it home this time, are you going to risk the well being of your child to take care of a man who can’t even remember his own self?”

In the end, the reality was a war he couldn’t win. Kyungsoo tucked the ticket into his wallet. He hoped he did right by them this time.

 _I love him._ Kyungsoo's heart ached. _But in this lifetime, it’ll never be enough._

 

~

 

_Dear Passengers, we have arrived at Dongdaegu. The train would be stopping shortly. Those continuing down to Busan do be back by the allotted time._

The cabin slows to a stop.

“This is it then,” Jongin hears then stranger, now Kyungsoo says. “Have a safe trip to Busan.”

The smaller man gets up to leave but he is caught in surprise when Jongin follows behind. “I just wanted to get some fresh air.” The blonde says as he slides the carriage door open for them.

Petals of pink blanket the train platform. Smiling, the dark-haired male gratefully accepts Jongin’s outstretched hands as they walk down the steps leading to the platform.

“So, what are you going to name her?”

“Her?”

“Not a girl then.”

“She is. It’s just I didn’t tell you about it.”

“Ah, looks like I've got a knack for guessing baby gender now.”

“Her name is Insoo. Do Insoo.” _In means benevolent. Soo means flowering._

“Pretty. Like her mother.”

Blush of pink dusted the ravenette’s cheeks. “Thank you.”

_Calling for passengers crossing over to Ulsan._

The lawyer notices the way the other is huddling his jacket close and tight. “Here,” Jongin takes off his coat, carefully wrapping it around the other male’s small frame. “Take this. The weather is quite chilly today.” Kyungsoo seems a little flustered but he brings himself to mutter a shy ‘thanks’.

The two stand up from the bench, ready to part ways.

“Since you’ve helped me,” Kyungsoo draws out a knitted scarf from his bag. The lawyer holds Kyungsoo up by his waist as he tiptoes to fix the red scarf around the man’s neck. “Thank you,” Jongin smiles, warmth sinking into his own cheeks when he is met with those gorgeous brown eyes.

Waving each other goodbye, the two men set off into different directions. They walk away from each other. Neither looks back. Every step they take ahead tells a story. A story of two strangers who are destined to meet many times and to part ways just once where it would all come to an end.

Cherry blossoms flutter in the wind between their growing distances. The scent of spring lingers on the concrete platform but in Jongin’s heart, the smell of roses found its home.

 

_All I know is I can't face it_

_I used to have you, now I have this bracelet_

_I let you go but baby I'm gonna wear it_

_Until I don't need to_

_Until I don't need you_

 

* * *

 

_Some are fated to love a lifetime. Some are fated to love once. This work is dedicated to the latter, those whose encounters are short-lived yet believing, touching and lasting._

 

 

_Sing me_

_Sing me a sad song_

_Make it a good one_

_I'm giving up on us_

_Me and you_

_I never wanted to_

_But you got too far away_

_I couldn't get to you_

_I hope you'll feel this the rest of your life_

_Take all the chances you can_

_It's alright_

_Maybe when you look out into the night_

_You think of me dear_

_When I'm not here_

 

_Sing me_

_Sing me a love song_

_My heart wants to hold onto yours_

_And I know_

_It's such a long road_

_I'm breaking your letting go_

_So your last years I'll hold_

_I'm gonna love you the rest of your life_

_Take all the chances you can_

_It's alright_

_Maybe sometimes you look out into the night_

_You think of me dear_

_When I'm not here_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I am happy that you have made it to the end! Did you cry? Or did you just experience the bitter aftertaste of this angst? Or is it just a tangy feeling? This fic means everything to me. To those brave marines who made it to the end, thank you for staying with Kaisoo. I have decided to submit the final draft in on this glorious day 25/01/19. Those who have a clue on what this day signifies, just know that you have made it through as a Kaisooist and I am so proud of you! Now, go enjoy more fantastic works this fest has in store for you!
> 
> P.S Feedback and Kudos are much appreciated:)


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